Just like that, it was gone.

business coaching finance money mindset working mums Jun 15, 2022

"If It were up to me, we wouldn't be paying it"

I clearly remember getting my first "big" bonus at work.

I was in my 20s, and just starting out as a stockbroker.  My earnings were above average for someone of my age, especially in the area that I live, but with a mortgage and two young children needing childcare there was never really much left to enjoy.

So when I saw a carelessly left memo on the desk of one of the bosses, (he happened to have the desk directly next to mine, it wasn't difficult to see!) announcing that we would be receiving a bonus of 20% of our salary on payday, you can imagine that I thought all my Christmases had come at once!

There were a couple of weeks until payday....and so I knew I would have to be patient.  But I was so excited to know that this money was coming and started planning my "acceptance" speech to express the gratitude I had.

After all, this was a LOT of money to me and my family.  It was going to make a difference.

But then something happened.

The boss came back from lunch and realised that he'd left the memo in full view.  We were an open plan office so he guessed pretty quickly that I wouldn't have been the only person to have seen it.

And he was right....

As he hastily folded up the sheet of paper with the details on and put it into his desk drawer, he caught my eye and received the visual confirmation that I was now expecting that extra money.

It wasn't hard to miss. I was so excited.  I wanted him to say something so that I could say thank you.

Instead he said "If it were up to me, we wouldn't be paying it"...

Talk about deflated.

The excitement, along with the planned thank you speech, disappeared immediately and were replaced with a whole load of internal negative responses.

"Why doesn't he want me to have this bonus?"

"Have I not worked hard enough?"

"Am I not good enough?

"Bonuses aren't for people like me, clearly"

"They don't think I've got what it takes to be a success in stockbroking"

and so on.

Not only that, but because I now knew that they didn't want me to have that bonus, I had this strange feeling that I needed to get rid of it as soon as it hit my bank account - just in case they had some ability to change their mind and recall it!

The knock on effect was huge.

I spent many years not feeling good enough to earn the bigger bonuses.  Not being worthy of the salary I wanted to have.  

I had this awareness all the time that someone somewhere would prefer it if I didn't have the money.

And, as someone already struggling with the guilt of being a working mum, and not feeling as though I was "good enough" on that score, adding this new belief of not being deserving of this money at work only went to adding to the crapness that I was to take forward.

The money did go into my account, and within hours of it showing on the ATM screen (pre banking apps!!) I had spent it.  Once gone, no one could take it away from me now.

And so a pattern of behaviour started....I was lucky enough to be in a career where bonuses were paid.  But I also had that belief that I wasn't deserving of those bonuses, that someone would rather I didn't have it.

So, every bonus that came in.... went straight out again before they could change their mind.

Holding onto that money was not an option in my mind. Illogical though that may be.

Money blocks, fears and traumas don't just impact people who have no money, or who are on low salaries.

In fact, I've seen many situations where the bigger the salary, the bigger the block, and the more disruptive it can be.

Now, the original comment may have been a throwaway one.  The boss may have been rattled by the knowledge he'd left a confidential memo in full view.  He may have been disappointed because by paying the staff a bonus, his own bonus pot was reduced.  I'll never know.

But whatever the reason behind it, it created a belief  within me that was to sabotage my earnings and wealth building potential for many years.

I followed a post on social media this week where someone asked about money fears.  Around 80% of the responses sad they feared that they would either never "have enough" or that they weren't ever going to good enough to have more.

We have work to do.

Money blocks and traumas come from all aspects of life and at all stages and ages.  But the good thing is that we can recognise them and work on them, either through conscious level coaching or going deeper with such strategies as NLP, Hypnosis and EFT.

Our minds are powerful, and we CAN change that from negative power to positive power.  Think of the knock on effect of THAT!!!

if this resonates, let me know, and do feel free to share this blog with anyone who you feel it might help.  The more we can recognise these areas of sabotage, the better we can all make our financial futures!

If you want to explore how you can change your old limiting patterns of behaviour that relate to your own relationship with money then drop me a message on Instagram and we can arrange an informal call over a virtual coffee.

Finally - don't leave confidential memo's in plain sight on your desk, and think before you speak! #toptip

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